Your Grief, Your Way

On the path of grief, it’s not uncommon to feel unsure about our needs or how to mourn. We may also misinterpret how loved ones experience the same family loss. You might recognize some of these thoughts:

“I wish they would leave me alone. I’m just a private person.”

“Mom said you were fine now. Why are you being this way?”

“I don’t understand why they don’t want to go to Dad’s viewing ceremony.”

“I can’t seem to stop crying. Is something wrong with me?”

“He seems too busy. I’m worried he isn’t processing the loss well.”

“I don’t seem to be feeling the same way my spouse (or family) does. Am I grieving right?”

Even though we have heard it said, “everyone grieves differently,” we may still find ourselves second-guessing or comparing ourselves to others. Or, we might worry about (or even judge) how others are grieving.

Why Does This Happen?

In Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka’s book “Men Don’t Cry…Women Do,” we read an explanation for this experience: our culture. The authors state that society’s stereotypes about men and women have shaped our views on how we “should” grieve. We are socialized to expect each other to move through the grief process in certain ways, which may not align with our natural tendencies.

Martin and Doka studied the idea of grief patterns (or styles), which play a significant role in how a person expresses and processes their grief. Their research reveals that, while grief patterns are influenced by our gender, our gender does not decide our patterns. The authors describe these grief patterns as existing on a continuum: at one end is the “Instrumental” grief pattern (Cognitive/Thinker/Physical); at the other, the “Intuitive” grief pattern (Emotional/Feeler). Most people experience a blend of both styles, falling somewhere in between. Here’s how the continuum breaks down:

Instrumental/Thinker/Physical Griever 

• tends to reflect inwardly and think about their loss; may do a lot of problem-solving to adapt to their loss. 
• may focus on active ways of expressing grief or “physically doing” something. 
• may need solitude, and feelings may be expressed in private.

Intuitive/Emotional Griever 

• adapts to their loss by processing their feelings and can experience intense waves of emotion. 
• willingness to fully experience their inner pain and may become physically exhausted by it. 
• may experience a long period of confusion, which makes it difficult to concentrate. 
• expresses emotions (tears) freely and finds support groups to be very helpful.

Blended Griever (blend of both patterns, but predominantly one or the other)

Reflection:

Take a moment to review the grief styles above. Where do you think you land on this continuum, and what does it tell you about what you might need on your grief journey? What does it tell you about the differences between you and your loved ones? How does this change the way you think about yourself and others? Consider journaling your answers to these questions and sharing them with someone you trust.

Grief Pattern/Style Takeaways

A deeper understanding of grieving styles empowers us to be kinder family members, friends, and people-helpers as we hold space for others to grieve their way. By adjusting our expectations, we can be more open and accepting.

Better yet, knowing our own grief pattern will help us take good care of ourselves. We can give ourselves permission to walk the path of grief in ways that fit. We may also feel more confident being honest with ourselves and others. In turn, this may enable us to set boundaries (protective limits) as we grieve. 

BONUS TIPS:

Here are several ideas for phrases we can use with others and ourselves on our grief journey:

“Thank you for the invitation, but I need some space to process by myself today. Would you try me next time?”

“What I chose to do after Dad died is up to me. I need to do what is best for me. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.”

“Hmm. I probably need to cry for a little while today, and that’s OK. It helps me feel better. I’ll call my friend to go for a walk afterwards.”

“I know I might not be visibly grieving, but it doesn’t mean I’m not. I don’t grieve 24/7, and I feel better when I get to volunteer.”

“I can respect the way my family expresses themselves and my way at the same time. The way I grieve is helpful, and I feel good about that.”

“You know, I’m not always fine. I have a mix of good times and sad times. Would you still check on me every week?”

Ultimately, when we become familiar with our own grief pattern, we will be empowered to move through grief in ways that work best for us. Then, as we seek support on our grief journey, we will be aware of our needs. In addition, understanding grief styles enables family members (and people-helpers) to be more empathetic and better at helping.

If you need someone to accompany you on your path of grief, it would be my honor to be your grief coach. Please check out my grief coaching website, and consider scheduling a free, discovery Zoom session to learn more about working together. Or email me at: info@walkingthepathcoaching.com. -Jodi Wheat